i can't believe i had my finger in that
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
