it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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