dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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