My underwear smells like fireworks.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
