Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
