now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
