We named our party play list daddy issues
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i've created a new STD.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
