My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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