Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
