You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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