but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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