The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Randomize
