Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
