I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
