WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
