I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Randomize
