Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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