Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
