At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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