if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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