You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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