she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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