hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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