Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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