I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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