did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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