note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
