dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
