I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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