Porn is love you can see.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
