I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
