Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
