im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
