I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
