Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
