just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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