this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
