Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I need to align my fucking chakras
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
