wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
