i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
