She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
