just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
