I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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