I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
