I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
