I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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