you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
