oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
