Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
