i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
